The “Mother Teresa” Trap and What I’ve Learned About Letting it Go

Real talk on boundaries, burnout, and building a business that serves you.

→ This is a story about learning to set boundaries with heart.

A women holding up a sign that says no. Photo courtesy of Vie Studio from Pexels via Canva.

🙋🏻‍♀️ Hi! I’m Amy Zwagerman—Fractional CMO, brand strategist, and founder of The Launch Box. I help founders and creative experts build brands that feel like them and actually work. Curious what that might look like for you? Book a free intro call or explore my services here.

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TL;DR

I’ve spent most of my life operating as a giver. But over the years, I’ve realized that without boundaries, my generosity was draining me—and my business. This is a story about the hidden costs of over-giving, what I’ve learned about claiming my value, and how I’m building a business that serves both others and myself.

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Introduction

Ever had someone call you “the Mother Teresa of something”?

I have. And it wasn’t a compliment. It also wasn’t meant to be a dig—it was just an offhand comment about my default personality setting: help. As the words landed in my ears, I felt a silent pang of recognition in my belly. Yep, that’s me. Guilty as charged. I try to help everyone who lands in my orbit, even the people who don’t want or need it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

But here’s the rub: in my quest to lift others up, I sometimes forget to value myself. The result? I give more than I should, and my business pays the price. It was such a laugh-out-loud smack-me-on-the-side-of-my-head a-ha moment that I thought I should unpack it with you here, in the hallowed halls of my Substack.

Does this story sound familiar? If you’re a founder or mentor with a heart for service, my guess is it does. And if not? Keep reading anyway—there’s still a lot here for you.

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How I Fell Into the Mother Teresa Trap

Let’s start with why.

I’m wired to help—always have been. (Honestly, I probably came out of the womb offering the doctor a hand with the paperwork.) Maybe it’s the double Cancer in my chart–Sun and Rising (nurturing is basically my astrological job description). Or maybe it’s because I moved around a lot as a kid and had to master the art of making friends. Either way, being helpful became my secret handshake. It was right up there with: “Where’s the bathroom?”, in terms of my go to opening moves. Oh, and, for the not-so-subtle cherry on top, I’m a card-carrying, latchkey-toting Gen Xer (IYKYK). So, yah, my deck came loaded with a lot of ‘I want you to want me’ energy.

Cheap Trick was technically before my time, but this song popped into my head and, honestly, it’s perfect!

As I got older, I wasn’t raising my hand for every project, but I was pouring myself into whatever landed on my plate (because “good enough” has never been in my vocabulary). I was positive that being the most reliable, resourceful person in the room was my golden ticket to friendship, job security, and quite possibly sainthood. And, just like that, my personal Wonder Twins powers—people-pleasing and perfectionism—were activated. And while those traits got me far in life, they also stretched me thin. Like breakdown-in-a-status-meeting thin. (Spoiler alert: crying mid-update doesn’t put you on the fast track to a promotion.)

When you give without boundaries, you end up empty. And here’s the kicker: an empty cup can’t pour into anyone else’s.

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Throughout this story, you’ll find a few of my signature Purpose Plays—short prompts designed to help you pause, process, and make small shifts that align your energy, values, and goals. They're not homework. Just gentle invitations to check in with yourself.

Purpose Play (Check in #1)

What does helping look like in your life right now? Grab a journal or open a doc and ask:

• Where am I giving my time most freely?

• What does it cost me (mentally, emotionally, financially)?

Write down what surfaces. Be honest. You’re the only one reading it (unless you want to share it with me in the comments—I’d love to hear what came up).

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When Helping Hurts: The Hidden Costs of Over-Giving

Here’s the part that’s easy to forget: helping has a cost. It sneaks up on you. One day you’re answering a “quick” DM during dinner. The next, you’re wondering why your own projects are gathering dust and your brain fog feels diagnosable.

Women speaking with a Doctor. Photo courtesy of pixelshot via Canva.

Over-giving sneaks in like that. For me, it’s looked like:

• Burnout: When I’ve spent all my energy on others and don’t have anything left for myself. (Or dinner.)

• Devalued Expertise: Free advice becomes background noise—easy to ignore, easy to take for granted.

• Resentment: The “Why am I doing all this?” voice that chimes in to blame others—even though I’m the one who said yes.

• Opportunity Cost: Every “just a minute” I give away is time I could’ve spent on my business, my ideas, my rest.

Still, I love helping people. That won’t change. I honestly don’t want it to. So the real question I wrestle with is: How do I keep showing up for others without disappearing on myself?

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Purpose Play (Check in #2)

Before you say yes to your next “quick” ask, pause and ask yourself:

• What am I trading for this?

• Would I still say yes if my own needs came first?

Try it. You might still say yes—but it’ll be from a place of awareness, not autopilot.

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Why Boundaries Are the Real Gift (and What That Looks Like for Me)

Boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re about saying yes—to yourself.

I know, that sounds like a platitude, even to me. Just this morning, I caught myself plotting to offer a fellow yogi a deeply discounted service they hadn’t even asked for. I convinced myself I’d be helping them; but, if I’m being honest, it was more about soothing my own need to be useful.

I did stop myself, but it wasn’t as easy as it should have been.

And that’s the work: untangling the messy mix of generosity, self-worth, and that lifelong itch to be needed, liked, and—let’s be real—indispensable from what’s actually being asked of me.

Here’s how I work with this part of myself:

• Audit My Yeses: I pause and ask, Is this really for them—or for me? And then, I pause and ask myself the question again.

• Name My Value—Out Loud: Instead of silently hoping people “get it,” I tell them what working together looks like. (Awkward? Yes. But worth it. Always.)

• Schedule Myself First: My work, rest, and everything that keeps me grounded go on the calendar before anything else.

• Create Scalable Help: I channel my helper vibes into blog posts, workshops, and resources instead of constant one-on-ones.

Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re scaffolding. They help me show up stronger—for others, and for myself. And, best of all, they are easy for me to adjust, move, and reset on a daily basis.

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Purpose Play (Check in #3)

What would honoring your boundaries this week look like?

• Could you say no—just once—and sit with the discomfort?

• Could you name your value—in a proposal, on a call, or even just to yourself?

Pick one. Try it. Report back to yourself.

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How I’m Claiming My Value (Without Losing My Heart)

Girl holding a red heart in her hands. Image courtesy of Jantanee Rungpranomkorn via Canva.

• Mini Experiments in Saying No: A coffee chat here. A “pick your brain” request there. I say no, sometimes feel weird, and move on.

• Valuing My Own Projects: Blocking time for my business is harder than it should be—but wildly energizing.

• Letting Go of Guilt: Still working on this one. Sticky notes help.

• Redefining “Helping”: I’ve traded one-off perfection for reusable tools and systems—so I can support more people, more sustainably, without doing everything myself.

• Celebrating the Small Wins: Every time I keep a promise to myself, I celebrate. Mentally high-five. Sip something fizzy.

I won’t pretend it’s easy. There are days I slip back into old patterns or worry I’m letting someone down. But I’ve learned that claiming my value isn’t about being less helpful—it’s about being more intentional. These days, I start each day by creating a plan that focuses on what feels most meaningful and sustainable to me. That’s it. That’s my trick.

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Purpose Play (Check in #4)

Think about a moment this week when you gave your time or energy away on autopilot.

• What would it have looked like to pause and make a more intentional choice?

• What’s one small shift you could make to protect your energy without losing your heart moving forward?

Reflect on what you wrote down. Is there anything here you could carry into your day-to-day decision-making?

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From Martyr to Mentor: The Ongoing Work of Claiming My Value

Over the years, I’ve thought a lot about how to give in a way that aligns with my values and doesn’t deplete me. The answers haven’t come easy, and the question keeps popping up in a new disguise: a text from a friend, a family member just starting out, a new idea that requires testing.

But here’s what’s different: I’m no longer on autopilot (well, not all the time anyway). I’m having a conversation—with myself—on purpose. That means I get to make conscious choices. And every time I do, I gain more muscle memory for the next round.

Case in point: I stopped creating detailed marketing plans after an early client told me I’d built them a Mercedes when they just needed a Yugo. I took it personally—too personally—and let that moment steer me away from one of my greatest strengths. But I’ve since come back to what I know is true: my work has value. My brain is a beast. And when I show up fully—with boundaries in place—my support actually lands the way it’s meant to.

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So, here’s the big take away: being the “Mother Teresa” of your industry doesn’t have to be a liability. Generosity is a gift.

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The goal isn’t to give less: it’s to give wisely. With boundaries, with intention, and with your own well-being in the mix.

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Purpose Play (Final check in)

Next time you feel that urge to say yes, pause and check in with yourself.

• Are you giving from a place of abundance, or are you running on empty?

• What would it look like to help in a way that honors both your values and your well-being?

Jot it down. Add it to your internal archive. You never know when future-you will need to reference it.

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If you’re on this journey too, I see you. Let’s keep experimenting, learning, and showing up for ourselves—so we can keep showing up for others.

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Ready to reclaim your value and lead with purpose?

Let’s talk about what it could look like to build a brand that serves you, too.

→ Book a free intro call or subscribe to Marketing Jam for more real talk, brand strategy, and tools to grow with clarity—not chaos.

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P.S. If you’ve ever felt like the Mother Teresa of your industry, I’d love to hear your story. How have you learned to balance generosity with boundaries? Let’s keep the conversation going.

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